When Staff Become Family, Here's How To Set Healthy Boundaries
A cordial relationship with anyone who works inside your home is essential to minimize stress and enhance a happy home. Everyone should strive to have peaceful, pleasant, and respectful relationships.
However, some of these employer/employee relationships can evolve into friendships as many household staff spend numerous hours in the presence of some highly personal life events – such as traveling with the family, family celebrations, and casual meals. Even family conflicts are deeply personal, and most household staff experience these at one time or another as a part of their “normal work experiences.” It can be the most rewarding AND most challenging aspect of private service. And let’s be honest: no one wants to know if the housekeeper’s boyfriend is in jail or if the principal has a drug abuse problem. Keeping professional boundaries between principals and staff can become challenging from every angle.
But, the all-too-friendly-relationship lines between employers and employees are easily blurred, and boundaries are hard to enforce when the relationship slides into the “friend zone.” It often becomes the case that everyone involved forgets who signs the paychecks in the relationship.
Just last weekend…
I talked to a friend about an issue with her live-in handyman. She and her husband have a sizable home, several dogs, and a cat, all needing constant care. They also have grandchildren who visit often, host frequent parties for friends and family, and travel extensively.
The other layer of complexity is that the house has been in a constant state of remodeling, maintenance, or improvements since they moved in several years ago.
The handyman lives in my friend’s guest quarters and helps with pet care, including vet appointments, walking, feeding, and medications. He also runs errands, lets contractors in the house, stocks the refrigerator, and does daily light housekeeping. He has been employed with them for over ten years and has become a beloved part of their family.
So, what’s the problem?
The trusted relationship has grown deeper over the years. At the same time, the lack of boundaries grew, and the hard conversations lessened. The need to monitor the handyman’s daily work schedule has also decreased. They pay him a salary with benefits and use comp time instead of paying him overtime when needed. Both parties have been happy with the arrangements until recently.
The handyman’s deteriorating health has caused the family to adjust their expectations. They often complete tasks that he is no longer capable of. Because they became trusted friends, little attention has been paid to his increasingly diminished role.
Because he had more free time, the handyman enrolled in classes to complete his degree. This further restricts his ability to feed the dogs and let them out for bathroom breaks when my friend and her husband travel. The situation has reached a breakpoint where he can no longer walk the dogs or lift them into the car for vet appointments. In addition, the handyman recently mentioned he might need surgery, and recovery is expected to take six weeks.
The verdict
My friend loves and cares about her handyman and wants him to stay; however, she realizes additional help is now required, and she’s unhappy with the extra expense and effort it will take to coordinate the handyman's schedule and other staff.
Above all, they fear that the handyman’s role may diminish further after his surgery, to the point of needing to replace him. The thought of asking him to move out and finding employment elsewhere when he’s vulnerable is unsettling to everyone, and they are conflicted between doing what’s best for them and him.
Although they have a written agreement with a list of duties, my friend acknowledged they should have been more mindful about regular reviews to address expectations and compensation. She now feels uncomfortable addressing her family’s needs with his impending surgery.
It’s essential whether you have a live-in staff or not…
To recognize that job descriptions, family needs, and staff’s ability to perform those responsibilities are constantly evolving. Regularly scheduled staff reviews are the best course for addressing these as an ordinary course of any employment.
Remember, the only reason to have staff inside your home is to make your life easier.
But communicating those needs and revisiting performance is the kindest way to evolve expectations over time.
Here’s a thought.
It is possible to care for someone AND maintain professional boundaries and expectations. It is the most respectful way to protect and respect a relationship. Remember, good communication means BOTH parties win and evolve.
Here are six additional suggestions for successful boundaries, performance expectations, and accountability with household staff:
Build a house management system to outline, assign, and schedule all expectations. Once your 12-month maintenance calendar, household protocol, and mechanical maintenance histories are complete, you’ll have the tools and information for your team's success. If you have staff turnover, this system will provide crucial information to help onboard new staff members.
Consult with an HR or family law attorney specializing in household staffing issues. Use them to draft all work documents and employment agreements to outline these relationships, work expectations, and legal compensation to keep your liability low. You’ll also need to address the issue my friend is dealing with: long-term staff absences.
Hire an HR outsourcing company to handle employee benefits like long-term disability, retirement benefits, and health insurance as well as payroll. They’ll also provide language to keep compensation legal by paying per state and federal guidelines.
Communicate with your staff often. I suggest addressing work schedules, new requests, and changed expectations weekly at a minimum. You’ll also want to include teamwork and training discussions and schedules. You or your house manager must keep a meeting agenda to document these changes.
Prepare a staff memorandum of understanding. Beyond the job description and employment agreement, this document outlines your service expectations. When changes occur, edit the document and have all staff sign it to acknowledge their awareness and acceptance.
Realize that it may be time to move on when your staff’s abilities no longer meet your personal and property needs. You haven’t agreed to adopt a new family member, so it’s best to nurture these relationships with that in mind. Your staff may feel undue pressure to perform their original responsibilities beyond their current physical capabilities, which can exacerbate an injury. Addressing this concern before it becomes more significant is in everyone’s best interest.
Remember, healthy boundaries on both sides of this relationship are key. Keeping a friendly relationship with everyone who works in your home is nice, but keeping healthy boundaries about why they’re there is more critical. Your household and family needs change over time, as do your staff’s needs. These changes don’t have to disrupt your home, put anyone in an awkward situation, or increase the homeowner’s liability. These changes should be implemented to maintain healthy relationships in everyone’s best interest.
